Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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