i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
