I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
