sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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