Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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