i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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