im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
