Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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