I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
