I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
