He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
