Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
