I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
