i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
