I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
