That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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