I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
