whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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