youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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