Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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