You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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