I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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