Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
