mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
