I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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