The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
