So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
