I hate your face
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
