I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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