god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
