I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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