You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
