she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i out mim tonsoeep
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