I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
