She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Houston, we have a squirter
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
