I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
