The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
