stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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