i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
