just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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