So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
