Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
