Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
