in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
