I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
