i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
