i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
