I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
