Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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