when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
